Thursday, 10 July 2008

Where art thou my pen?

Lately, I am being traumatised by a queer kind of guilt conscience – of not being able to blog! My pile of journals stopped getting any taller and Dad no more worried about his latest diary (seen those SBI or LIC ones?) disappearing from his table without notice – ever since I got “introduced” to blogging. True, it could not give me the comfort of writing “just about anything” with as much honesty, and without a little chiselling here and there like my tucked-in-with-care journals would, but the facility to record things instantly (since me and my machine are almost inseparable) and a desire to “advertise” (now come on, isn’t that one of reasons you blog?) lured me away from the pen and paper to the keypad on lap.

I, however, miss making my “bold confessions”. For example, when I was in Class V, the last page of my diary read these small lists: of people I wish were dead (included my Dentist and my music teacher), of my crushes in that year (if you think I was too young for that, how about my first crush in KG II?), of dreams as queer as “I want to be a maid at my crush’s house” (influenced by Maine Pyar Kiya), “I want to have a twin sister” (cloning was unheard of back then), “I want to grow tresses like Baby Doll Alisha’s” (remember that audio cassette?) and what not!

I know many bloggers who considered their blogs as much a confession box as I did my diaries and pour their hearts out with as unrestrained honesty. To be that today, as a blogger, I would have to hammer off a lot of my Cancerian crabby shell, and could I or would I do that? Well, at least I have not, so far! This way, a lot of "me', goes ‘unworded’, unrecorded. But then again, I am beginning to reckon the capacity of the human mind – I remember the paranoia post my first break-up as explicitly as I do the storm of thoughts that muddled me the day I first met Don (my husband). You don't forget things if you want to remember them. That is to say, things that you remember very often, keep getting refreshed in your memory and there comes a time, when you just know them by heart. For example, you’ve repeated “Baa Baa Black sheep” so many times in your life that even if you don't chant it for the next 10 years, you will still be able to sing it to your kid. Now this hypothesis is purely deduced from my personal experience and observation and you are most welcome to contradict (and I’ll so love to defend). Which means, we may safely leave a few things unrecorded and not fear losing them somewhere “down the memory lane”, unless of course it is some natural calamity.

But feeling guilty just because I have not been “recording life” as regularly as I used to, still seems too queer a reason, especially in light of my aforesaid hypothesis. After much thought and afterthought, I painstakingly concluded - it must be what is called the “writer’s block” that is troubling me. Or maybe my profession leaves me so drained of words that I’m left with none for myself. Maybe I am too overwhelmed with my “brand new life” for words! Or is it that I’m losing myself and I do not want to confess? I wonder...I wonder.....


Nilotpal said...

Most beautifully written and put down. I get the writer's block so many times. But I will definitely disagree with the idea that you are so drained out at your work that you don't have any words left for yourself. In fact what I feel is that Blogging is a good way to unwind.

What I do usually is think about the pain points at work. Every single problem that I face and solve, I blog about it. This way others who face this problem don't have to struggle to solve the problem as much as I did. Because the first thing that we usually do these days is Google for a solution.

Second thing is Blogging is about recording as you put it. But it is not just recording. It is about a perspective, experiences, emotions. Decartes a famous philosopher doubted the physical existence of everything. He had a hunch that there is a possibility that everything is an Illusion, the world around him, everything he saw, heard, touched, etc. The only thing that he thought was real was experiences. You feel things. Whether what you feel is real or not is a different issue, but the fact that you feel is for sure the absolute truth and perhaps the only truth.

Blogging is about writing what you feel. It is about converting your experiences / feelings (residing in the right brain) into words (residing in the left brain) using the corpus callosum (left brain right brain connector) and putting them down. This way your blog becomes a journal of feelings and experiences through out your life.

You feel nice when you read my text messages of the past. Imagine how you would feel going through your journal about 30 years from now. Different phases of life bright and dark. 30 years down the line, all these torrents of emotions that you feel today, what would they mean then...

About the writer's block, I would say 3 things. 1) It is just a phase. It will get over if you wait. But that way you are relying on an external entity to provoke or block your writer talent. 2) If you don't want to wait, start reading and then analyzing and then thinking how you can do something about whatever you were reading. 3) Block or not block, Reda a lot.

Md Mudassir Alam said...

Nice piece, i liked ur way of presenting the things in such an interesting way. Once again well done, keep it up............Alam

Nidarshana said...

@ Don

Your elaboration on Decartes' philosophy made me mull over it for a long time...

I may remember the event, the situation and even the emotion, but years later I might not be able to recollect it all with as much exactitude.
The blogs and journals sure make fine cushions to lean on and get all nostalgic.
The "corpus callosum" was also news.. Guess you should drop by more often...

@ Alam

Hey, me thought you dissappeared. Thanks for stopping by buddy!

Anonymous said...

It is more to do with your mood swings than anything else I guess. But I am glad that you've reached 'that stage' (remember?) of your career where you can write just anytime, anywhere. So far as blogging is concerned you can always choose to be lax or whatever. Be yourself and stop worrying.

God Bless,

lostonthestreet said...

Like the new template,much less cluttered.:-) And please dont stop blogging.If nothing atleast post one liners.
Don's blog..well went over the head for me,considering how techno savy I am:-),but I am always in awe of people who can write techie stuff.
And loved the way you titled the link to my post :-)t

lostonthestreet said...

Like the new template,much less cluttered.:-) And please dont stop blogging.If nothing atleast post one liners.
Don's blog..well went over the head for me,considering how techno savy I am:-),but I am always in awe of people who can write techie stuff.
And loved the way you titled the link to my post :-)t

vimal said...

Written quite merrily & engagingly. Good read!

quirkymon said...

hi there...stumbled upon your blog while searching for bloggers from Assam. You write really well, and I love your narration style...And the blog being a record of your life and things you love. That's my blogging philosophy too. I'm a 23 year old blogger from Jorhat, studying in Guwahati Medical College now. I started blogging a month and half still a newbie in the blogosphere. I would love to connect to fellow bloggers from check out my blog and lemme know. I blog at quirkymon[dot]wordpress[dot]com. Would love your feedback :)

Ann Dee said...

@ lost on the street
Thanks but I guess like the ones before that template (the one you liked) has also changed. I hope you like this one just as much. Don also has a Vedic blog - if you've the interest and the patience, you'll be left inspired to know more - like I am (salvaged).

@ vimal

Thanks buddy. Not quite merrily though.

@ quirkymon

Welcome to the blogosphere! Like your blog name and when I did hop into, liked what I read too.