Friday, 26 June 2009

World's Best Doctor

[D. sends me this when I sulked at not being able to fit into my old pair of jeans and for always giving in to sleep every morning when I should be going for my swimming classes]
Whoever fabricated this 'forward', I salute thee..... He's just the doctor people (you may read 'hogs') like me need to go to -----

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
Ans: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
Ans: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
Ans: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Ans: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Ans: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
Ans: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Ans: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
Ans: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for our figure?
Ans: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
Ans: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


Stupidosaur said...

Best Doctor ?
Perhaps. Because a good writer is not necessarily one whos writing well, but sells. eg. Chetan Bhagat.

This doctor must also be doing well financially because
1) Patients would love to come to him just for such advice
2) After following such advice, they will really need a doctor!

Ann Dee said...

Stupidosaur (Swear on JC, the blogosphere has some really creative thinktanks..nice one buddy)

Agree, the world is full of writers and it takes more than just good writing to rock the stands. Hats off to Chetan Bhagat.. I too bought Five Point but couldn't get myself complete it. Nevertheless, hype did work.

Welcome to my blog!

Stupidosaur said... hats off to Chetan Bhagat actually. :P

//I too bought Five Point but couldn't get myself complete

Does that mean you couldn't complete because it was a torture? And then "Hats off to Chetan Bhagat" in sarcasm?

Or does it mean that you haven't simply attempted to read it fully? In that case, its quite understandable that you can venture to say "Hats off to Chetan Bhagat".

In any case, that sentence puts things in perspective. Rather one of the two contracdictory perspectives. Which is it?

Ann Dee said...

Hats off to CB coz he could crack 'what sells'. Also, hats off coz he could get the likes of me buy the book out of sheer curiosity. If you noticed our generation has known very very few best sellers...I'm talking about Indian English writers...though CB, I feel, doesnt completely fit into that genre, don't you think?

Gradwolf said...

oh so if you eat pork in India, it is also direct source for some garbage? Who knew! Swine flu anyone?

v said...

I think this doctor needs a shrink. You should tag along with him too.

Ann Dee said...

@ Gradwolf

Welcome to my blog buddy...but I did not quite get what you must have meant..'blonde' that I am at times/most of the time.

Ann Dee said...

@ V

He's MY WORLD's best doctor and I love him. Say what you may!


v said...


Dude, don't bother explaining what you meant to her. She accepted that she's dumb most of the time and she was being racist in her acceptance too.

@Ann Dee,

Yeah, you love him because he feeds you crap.

Kaber Vasuki said...